Why Heaven Is Failing, And Why That’s Good for Business

Guest Post by Lucifer, CEO, Hell, Inc.

Let’s get something straight: I didn’t want to write this.

But after the release of Error 404: Soul Not Found — a disturbingly accurate exposé of divine incompetence — it seems my PR team thinks I should “lean in” to the publicity. Ugh.

So here it is.

Heaven is broken.They’ve got cherubs running ticketing queues, Norse gods moonlighting as border control, and a celestial IT department held together with duct tape and blind faith.

Literally. They routed a Singaporean tech bro named Joe Leong to Valhalla because Chinese Heaven ran out of cloud storage. (Yes. That’s an actual plot point. And no, I’m not making this up — not this time.)

Let me be clear: I had nothing to do with that bug. But would I exploit it? Absolutely.Because chaos is the new currency. And when Heaven’s bureaucracy glitches out, my subscription numbers go up.

Now, you might think this book would annoy me — the inside jokes, the jabs at Hell’s HR policies, the way I’m portrayed as a fashion-forward villain with daddy issues. (All of which are factually correct, by the way.)

But honestly? I loved it. It’s my kind of story:

Glitchy divine software? Delicious.
A mortal caught between love and damnation? Iconic.
A spiritually confused yoga guru with a TikTok following? Chef’s kiss.

You’ll laugh, you’ll doubt your reality, and you’ll probably side-eye your printer next time it jams. That’s the kind of chaos I can get behind.

And Joe Leong? He’s not the hero you expect. But he’s the glitch Heaven deserves.

So read the book.Then call me.

Because honestly? Heaven’s Gate might be closed…But mine’s always open.

Yours infernally,Lucifer™

CEO, Hell Inc.

Fashion Icon. First Angel. Still Hot.